The Miss Cheesy Pageant
by Harry's Girl 01031992
Summary: Wallace enters Lady Tottington in the Annual Miss Cheesy Pageant and she faces tough competition. Victor Quartermaine will appear in later chapters. R&R, s'il vous plait!
1. The Advertisment

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Wallace and Gromit… Nick Park and Aardman studios do. :)_**

It was early morning and Wallace and Gromit were eating breakfast. Wallace was reading the newspaper and humming to himself while Gromit was buttering his toast. Wallace came upon a headline that made him gasp.

"A Miss Cheesy pageant, Gromit!" Wallace said to Gromit. A confused look came upon Gromit's face.

"What's a Miss Cheesy pageant?" he thought. "That makes as much sense as trying to breathe underwater."

"Listen to this, mate." Wallace told Gromit. "'The 25th Miss Cheesy pageant is a competition of representing your favorite cheese. It takes place on the fifth of September. The grand prize is ₤120,000, a life time supply of Wenslydale cheese, and a new Chrysler Crossfire. People can nominate their female friends or relatives as a competitor.'" Just then, a light bulb appeared above Wallace's head. "I know just who to nominate!" he exclaimed. He then dialed someone's phone number.

At Lady Tottington's house, the phone rang. Lady Tottington ran to the phone and answered it.

"Hello, this is Lady Tottington speaking. May I ask who's calling?"

"Totty," Wallace said. "This is Wallace."

"Oh, Wallace!" Lady Tottington exclaimed. "How are you?"

"I'm doing fine, Totty! I have a question to ask you."

"Go ahead; ask away." She replied.

"Is it okay if I nominate you as a contestant in the Miss Cheesy competition?"

"Wallace, that would be wonderful." She said as she twirled her red hair around her finger.

"Okay, I just wanted to know if I could." Wallace said.

Just then, one of Lady Tottington's rabbits, Hutch came up to her and spilled pomegranate juice on her lily white dress.

"Oopsy!" Hutch exclaimed and giggled at the same time.

"Wallace," Lady Tottington said. "I've got to go, Hutch just spilled pomegranate juice on me and it's impossible to get out!"

Hutch then started singing the "Mission: Impossible" theme song in response to the word "impossible".

"Okay, I suppose I should let you go. Good luck with getting that stain out!" Wallace replied.

"Goodbye!" Lady Tottington said. The last words Wallace heard her say before she hung up were, "Hutch, you little devil! What am I to do with you?"

"Gromit, lad, let's call the Miss Cheesy Hotline to nominate Lady Tottington." Wallace said cheerfully. Gromit nodded.

**So... how you like? I'll update sooner if people review. Please no flames! Happy reading:)**


	2. Calling the Hotline

**Disclaimer: Nope… still don't own W&G… but I do own Walrus pajama pants ;)

* * *

**

Wallace dialed the hotline number and little did he know, this was about to be the most confusing phone call he was about to make.

"Hello, thank you for calling the Miss Cheesy Pageant hotline. How may I be of assistance?" A cranky woman's voice said.

"Yes," Wallace replied. "I would like to nominate someone to compete in the pageant."

"State the competitor's name, address, and relation."

"Lady Campanula Tottington, 1607 Columbia Road, friend of Wallace."

"Oh…" the woman said. "So you're nominating your girlfriend…"

"No, no!" Wallace replied. "She's not my girlfriend."

"So she's _not not_ your girlfriend." The woman said, trying to confuse Wallace.

"Exactly!" Wallace exclaimed.

Gromit slapped his face and sighed. _Didn't you go to grammar school?_ Gromit thought.

"So she is your girlfriend." The woman replied.

"No!" Wallace exclaimed, realizing what he just said. "We're just friends."

"Oh yeah, and I'm the queen of Monaco." The woman sarcastically said.

"Just put 'family friend' on the application, please!" Wallace told her.

"Okay, suit yourself, lover boy." The woman throat laughed as she was about to hang up. "Thank you for calling the Miss Cheesy Pageant Hotline."

Wallace hung up the phone and said to Gromit, "You know, Lad, some people just like to confuse other people."

Gromit nodded his head as if to say, "I couldn't agree with you more."

* * *

_Sorry this chapter was so short... this is what came to mind and I just typed it... Give good reviews, or at least pretend to like it._

_Love Always,_

_Harry's Girl 01031992_


	3. Lady Tottington in Heels Equals Bad News

**Disclaimer: AAAAGH! I don't own W&G! Stop making me type these things!**

**

* * *

**

About a week after Lady Tottington was entered in the pageant, she received the papers that told her what competitions would take place in the competition. There was a talent contest, swimsuit contest, evening wear contest and an interview. She called Wallace that night and confessed her worries to him.

"Oh, Wallace." Lady Tottington sighed. "I'm so nervous to compete in the evening wear contest."

"Why is that?" Wallace asked.

"Well…" she admitted. "I've been known to be very clumsy in high heels."

"That's not a problem," Wallace said. "You can get over that in no time!"

"Nuh-Uh!"

"Yuh-Huh!"

"Nuh-Uh!"

"Yuh-Huh!"

"Look," she said. "Instead of arguing over this over the phone, let's meet at The Haggard Fisherman restaurant tomorrow at noon and I'll be wearing heels."

"Okay," Wallace said. "See you then!"

"Ta, ta!" Lady Tottington exclaimed as she hung up the phone.

Gromit gave Wallace a look that said, "What was that 'Nuh-uh, Yuh-Huh!' fight about? That is _so_ kindergarten!"

"Totty's having some pre-preliminary pageant jitters; that's all." Wallace replied. "We're having lunch tomorrow at The Haggard Fisherman restaurant tomorrow. Do you want to join us?"

Gromit's ears perked up and eyes brightened as if to say, "The Haggard Fisherman! I love their fish 'n' chips! I'm definitely going with you guys."

"I'll take that as a yes." Wallace chuckled, patting Gromit on the head.

The next day at noon, Wallace and Gromit were sitting at the non-alcoholic bar at The Haggard Fisherman restaurant. They waited for about five minutes, then Lady Tottington, dressed in a purple dress and tottering on high heels, came walking clumsily leaning right and left and catching heels in every which direction. One time, she even tipped over into an old, blind man who was happily sipping his root beer but was surprised to have a Lady of the Manor fall on him and spill his root beer.

Lady Tottington got up, soaking in a sweet carbonated beverage and said to the blind man, "Sorry! I owe you a root beer." She walked over to the bar where Wallace and Gromit were sitting and Gromit was happily chewing on his fish 'n' chips.

"Hello, Totty!" Wallace said as he looked at Totty, soaked in root beer and covered in fried fish. "Oh…"

Gromit looked up from eating his lunch and saw Lady Tottington covered in food and drink as if to say "What happened to you?"

"This is a demonstration of what high-heel shoes do to me." Lady Tottington said, a bit embarrassed.

"Oh," Wallace simply replied. "Would you like anything to eat? I'm paying."

"I'll have a chicken salad wrap." Lady Tottington said to a waiter who was conveniently nearby.

"Right away, ma'am." The waiter said. Then he scurried to the kitchen to make it.

"I don't know how I'm going to survive in high-heels!" Lady Tottington cried.

"Have you ever thought about wearing flats?" Wallace asked.

"Yes," Lady Tottington replied, as the waiter put her order on the table. She took a bite into it. "But the regulations say that you _must_ wear heels in order to compete."

"Oh," Wallace said. "We could get you a trainer!"

"I never thought about that." She said. "Good idea!" She finished and Wallace paid for her and Gromit's food, who was obviously content from eating his favorite meal. They walked out of the restaurant and out into the outside.

Victor Quartermaine, who was in another corner of the restaurant, overheard the conversation.

"So Campanula needs a trainer…" he said. He made an evil plan in his mind and cackled evilly. Then, the blind man that Lady Tottington fell on came up to Victor and said, "You're the lass who owes me the root beer!" The old man then beat Victor with his cane, leaving him black and blue, but still evilly plotting.

* * *

_End of Chapter! What'd you guys think about this one? Review and I shall send Bon Bons (imported from France), Mountain Dew, and pictures of Victor Quartermaine covered in bruises. Happy reviewing!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	4. Victor's Evil Plan!

**I don't own W&G. Nick Park and Aardman Studios own the characters... I just own the plot.**

**

* * *

**That night, Lady Tottington looked through the yellow pages to find a trainer for the upcoming pageant. She called the company she first saw and dialed the number. 

"Hello, this is Chenoweth Pageant Training Company." A receptionist said on the other line. "How may I be of assistance?"

"Yes," Lady Tottington said. "I need a trainer for the upcoming Miss Cheesy Pageant."

"Do you want any specific trainer?"

"Surprise me." Lady Tottington said.

There was a silence on the other end, but only for about thirty seconds.

"Okay… we have a new trainer and his name is Constantine Menzel, fresh in from New York City. He'll give lessons at your house from 2:30 to 6:00 in the evening. All we need is your address."

"1607 Columbia Road, West Wallaby, England." Lady Tottington replied.

"Your first lesson will be this next Wednesday." The receptionist said.

"Thank you so much!" Lady Tottington exclaimed. She hung up.

On the other end, the receptionist was revealed to be none other than Victor Quartermaine's hunting dog, PHILLIP!

"Well done, Phillip!" Victor chuckled evilly as he patted his repulsive looking dog on the head. "Come Wednesday, I'll have Campanula in the palm of my hand." Victor and Phillip started laughing maniacally and laughed for about a half a minute until they started coughing from lack of air.

* * *

_End of chapter! Sorry this one was so short! Noticed how I put in the last names Chenoweth and Menzel as a tribute to Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel _:) _Review and I shall be grateful! Happy Reviewing!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	5. First Lesson

**Disclaimer: I don't own Wallace and Gromit; hopefully I get it for Christmas!**

* * *

Wednesday came and it was time for Lady Tottington's pageant lessons.

Victor came to her manor house wearing a blonde toupee, a business suit lined with rabbit fur (**evil!!!**) and alligator skin shoes (stupid animal killer!). He chuckled evilly before ringing the doorbell. Lady Tottington answered the door and let him in.

"Are you Constantine Menzel?" she asked.

"Yes, dahling." Victor replied in his cheesiest New York accent. "The one and only."

"Please come in!" she said. He walked in and sat down on a couch.

"First things first," he said. "I need my payment of 200 pounds."

"Check or cash?" she asked.

"Preferably cash, doll." He replied. She took her purse out and pulled out a huge wad of cash and handed it to him.

"We're going to learn how to poise ourselves." He said as he stood up. "Slouch yourself like this." He said as he let himself slouch.

"Oh," Lady Tottington said. "My governess told me to stand up straight…"

"**DO YOU WANT TO WIN THIS PAGEANT OR NOT?!**" he shouted. She did as she was told. His absurd instructions continued for 3 hours and thirty minutes until it was six o' clock. When it six, Wallace and Gromit popped over at Tottington Manor to say "hi" to Lady Tottington.

"Hello, Totty!" Wallace cheerfully exclaimed, with Gromit behind him. "How's your training…" He then saw Lady Tottington with her hair in her face, slouching and shuffling her feet. "…Going?"

"Hello, Wallace!" Lady Tottington said. "My training is going fine. And I'd like you to meet my trainer, Constantine Menzel." Victor, with a bagel and Starbucks coffee (A/N: I just thought of Starbucks… I don't know what a popular coffee chain in England is, so don't take offense!) in hand, said "Charmed, I'm sure," As he shook Wallace's hand and roughly patted Gromit on the head.

"Your lessons are done, doll." Victor said. "I must go home. I shall see you next week." He walked out to the car and got in. "That was too easy." He said evilly. He drove off into the distance laughing maniacally.

Inside the manor, Lady Tottington and Wallace were talking about how this "trainer" had strange methods.

"He seems so strange," Wallace said.

"Well," Lady Tottington replied. "He is newly emigrated from New York and he probably decided to go against the grain when making these methods."

Gromit thought about "Constantine" and thought, _Something isn't right about that guy.

* * *

_

End of chapter! Sorry this one is so short! How'd you guys like this one? Was it any good or was it rubbish? Review and I'll send out Eggnog Lattes from Starbucks, sponge candy, and videos of Victor **trying** to speak in a NY accent. Happy Reviewing and Happy Holidays!

-Harry's Girl 01031992


	6. Gromit's Plan

Thanks to one of my constant reviewers, **Nausicaa of the Spirits** for reviewing chapter five!

Disclaimer: I own the Wallace and Gromit DVD, the plot-line, but however, I do not own the characters. Anyway… ONWARD WITH THE STORY!

* * *

Victor was at his house cackling maniacally along with Phillip, who was choking, because he had been eating a peanut-butter sandwich prior to laughing evilly.

"This is too easy, Phillip!" Victor chuckled sinisterly. "I have Campanula in the palm of my hand and she will lose the pageant. This is perfect revenge for her dumping me for that Bunny-Boy. Next week, I'll corrupt her mind even more." He then saw Phillip turning purple from choking, so he performed the Heimlich maneuver.

"How many times have I told you, Phillip?!" Victor yelled at his dumb dog. "No evilly laughing when eating! Well, I shall see you in the morning." He walked to his study to plan another twist in his evil plot.

* * *

At Wallace and Gromit's house, Gromit was thinking about that "Constantine" fellow up in his bedroom.

_He looks so familiar,_ Gromit thought. _Where have I seen him?_ He thought for a while, until the thought finally hit him. _It's Victor Quartermaine!_ Gromit exclaimed inside of his head. _I have to tell Wallace so we can warn Lady Tottington!_ Gromit ran down to the kitchen, where Wallace was making a grilled Wensleydale cheese sandwich.

"Hello, Gromit!" Wallace exclaimed. "I was wondering when you were going to come out of your thoughtful state that you were having in your room."

Gromit put a look on his face that said, _I need to tell you something **now**!_

"What's wrong Gromit?" Wallace asked.

Gromit took out a piece of paper and a marker and wrote on the piece of paper. He gave the paper to Wallace, who read it aloud.

"That Constantine Menzel person is Victor Quartermaine! Didn't you see that his _black_ sideburns didn't match his _blonde_ wig? We should spy on him to see what he's up to!" Wallace read. "You're right, Grommy." Wallace said. "He did look really suspicious. We should go spy on him! Come on, let's get going." They got out some spy gear, all-black clothing (perfect for night-time spy missions), and grappling hooks. They got into the car and drove to Victor Quartermaine's house.

* * *

_End of chapter! What will Wallace and Gromit find out when they spy on Victor? Review and I'll send out Oreo Cookies, Dr. Pepper, and mini cans of Pringles. And if this chapter was a bit short, my apologies. Happy Reviewing!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	7. Spying on Victor

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits** for reviewing again!

Disclaimer: I own the movie and plot to this story, but not the characters. ONWARD WITH THE STORY!

* * *

Wallace and Gromit arrived at Victor's house. They got all of the equipment out of the trunk of the car and snuck sneakily to the side of the house.

Gromit took a grappling hook and twirled it until it grabbed onto something. Wallace did the same, except it took him awhile to accomplish this task because he was rusty at his spy skills. They climbed up to Victor's bedroom window to see that he was evilly plotting his scheme.

Gromit quickly took out the spy video camera and started filming Victor trying to speak in a New York accent, but dismally failing. One time, he said his accent so bad that he actually took out his hunting gun and shot at it. Victor modeled himself in front of the mirror wearing his blonde toupee and a tacky outfit. At one point, he was trying to get himself to tolerate Starbucks coffee and bagels, which he hated severely. Wallace and Gromit filmed for at least two hours until they thought what they filmed would be enough evidence to tell Lady Tottington. They started climbing down but something went terribly wrong: a large pile of bricks came tumbling out of the wall that they were scaling down and made a loud CRASH! noise.

"Oh dear," Wallace muttered. They then heard Phillip barking, meaning that he had heard the crashing bricks. Gromit's eyes widened in horror as he saw Victor had run down stairs to investigate what happened. He gave Wallace a look that said _GO! GO! GO! He's coming!_ They hurriedly scaled down the wall, ran to the car and drove away just in time before Victor got outside.

Wallace wiped the sweat from his brow. "That was a close one, mate!" he exclaimed. "Good thing we got out of there fast enough. And we have the evidence to prove to Lady Tottington that Constantine Menzel is really Victor Quartermaine."

_I just hope that Victor doesn't find out that we were spying on him._ Gromit thought nervously.

* * *

_End of chapter! Will Lady Tottington believe Wallace and Gromit's news? Find out in the next chapter of "The Miss Cheesy Pageant"! And for reviewing, I'll send out mint-chocolate ice cream, Ritz baked chips, and Victor Quartermaine voodoo dolls._

_Happy Reviewing!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	8. Revealing the truth

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits** for reviewing again!

I own the movie and the plot to this story but not the characters, but unfortunately not the characters… Enough with my lamenting… ONWARD WITH THE STORY!

* * *

"I hope Lady Tottington believes us, lad." Wallace hoped.

Gromit nodded as if to say, _I hope so, too._

They were on their way to Tottington Hall and it was about mid-morning. When they got there, a bunch of rabbits were hopping about on the front lawn. Wallace and Gromit got out of the car and grabbed the evidence to show Lady Tottington. Wallace knocked on the door, only to have it be answered by Hutch, who was singing "A Pirates Life (Yo ho yo ho)" from Pirates of the Caribbean.

"Ahoy, mates!" Hutch exclaimed. He then said in a voice that would envy Davy Jones, "You owe me your soul!"

Lady Tottington then appeared. "Hutch," she said. "I think you've watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest too much. Oh, hello Wallace! Hello, Gromit!"

"Uh, Totty, I have no idea how to tell you this, but Constantine Menzel isn't the person you think he is… He's actually Victor Quartermaine." Wallace said.

"Don't be ridiculous, he isn't Victor Quartermaine. Now be serious, what do you really want to tell me?"

_We're not kidding!_ Gromit exclaimed with his gestures.

"I can't believe that you're telling me this pile of rubbish! And when I'm under so much pressure! The pageant is next week and I'm freaking out. Get out, now!" She slammed the door in Wallace and Gromit's faces.

"How do we tell her the truth before it's too late?" Wallace asked.

_I don't know_ Gromit sighed. _But we have to tell her before it's too late.

* * *

_

Dun dun duhhhhhhhh! Will Lady Tottington finally believe Wallace and Gromit before it's too late? Find out in the next chapter of "The Miss Cheesy Pageant"

-Harry's Girl 01031992


	9. Adele

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits** and **Random Little Writer** for reviewing chapter eight! And for your great contribution, you deserve a cookie! But unfortunately, cookies aren't transmittable by internet. Enough with my rambling and on with the story!

* * *

It was the day of the pageant and Lady Tottington was a nervous wreck. She was all jittery and she would snap at anything. One time, when one of the rabbits rubbed up against her leg, she yelled, "GET AWAY FROM ME! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M A TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK?!" The bunny's eyes got big and it hopped away frightened.

She got her stuff together and headed to the church, the place where the pageant was being held. She got to the church and went to the dressing room where other competitors were getting prepared. Lady Tottington sat down and let out a depressed sigh.

"What's the matter, girl?" asked a tall, brown haired woman.

"Oh, I just got into a fight with one of my friends last," Lady Tottington replied. "They tried to tell me that my trainer, Constantine Menzel, is really my ex-boyfriend."

"Constantine Menzel?" asked another woman from across the room. "That's rich!" Everyone focused on her. She had long, thick raven hair and extremely fair skin. She stood up and walked over to Lady Tottington. "That's the name of a character Victor Quartermaine played in the school play in Year Ten. I should know… I'm his sister… Adele Quartermaine." She extended her arm. Lady Tottington shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you." Lady Tottington said.

"You must be Lady Campanula Tottington." Adele said. "Because you were the only girlfriend Victor had." She laughed.

"So how do I get Victor to tell the truth?" Lady Tottington asked.

"I know just the thing…" Adele said, with a twinkle in her eye.

Meanwhile, in the audience, Wallace and Gromit were waiting for the pageant to start.

* * *

"I hope Lady Tottington finds out before it's too late." Wallace said.

Gromit nodded in agreement. Just then, a drum roll started, meaning the pageant was about to start.

* * *

_What's Adele's plan? Find out in the next chapter of "The Miss Cheesy Pageant"! Oh, yeah! Please perform the second "R" by reviewing and I'll send ya'all another cookie!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


End file.
